A few weeks ago I was looking at a picture of my dad and I realized for the first time since he died that I’m really going to be ok. I don’t ache anymore. He died 9 months ago and I finally feel like I’m going to make it. It’s as if I can breathe again.
For those of you who have experienced a death in your family recently… I promise one day you’ll be able to breathe again. One day you’ll stop aching and longing to wake up from your nightmare. One day, you’ll accept your new reality and be able to live again. One day…
I’ve never been one to be preachy. My beliefs are mine and nobody else’s. Nobody deserves to have my beliefs thrown in their face. But let me just say… I couldn’t have made it through this awful time if I didn’t know I’d be able to see my dad again someday. I believe in heaven and hell and I know my daddy loved Jesus. If you don’t know and love him, I encourage you to do so. It has certainly help make my existence without my dad much more bearable.
On August 11th my boyfriend and I celebrated our 1-year anniversary. I adore that man. He’s incredible, but we’ve really had a tough go of it. A lot of married couples say the first year of marriage is the worst. You’re on your best behavior during the dating process but then once you’re married, all the masks come off and life’s tough for a while. Neither of us are the type of people to hide who we really are. What you see is what you get so we never went through a super-smooth time of being lovey-dovey and never fighting. I think we’ve finally figured things out and I’m cautiously optimistic for now.
We both have issues. I’ve learned through our relationship that everyone has issues. Mine? My parents had a horrible relationship. Every time they got in a big fight, my mom packed a bag and threatened to leave. Because of that, I’m terrified that one day, my boyfriend will reach his “fight quota” and leave me. It’s awful. I can also be pretty demanding and I have a tough time not keeping score. I know how many nights he has spent at my house for the last year, and you know what? I’ve spent 22 more nights at his house than he has spent at mine. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m sacrificing too much, but most of the time, I want to force myself to stop keeping track. I need to learn to let go.
He doesn’t know I’m posting this blog so I won’t divulge his issues. That isn’t fair to him.
I’m ready for a new job. I don’t really care where I work, I just need to find something different that pays the same amount I’m already making. I’m looking. I’ll find it. I have to get out of that place.
Not much else to say. That’s my life. The end. :)