It really does come in waves. I miss my dad like crazy today. Saturday morning I woke up from a dream about him. It was so funny that I reached for my phone to call my mom and tell her all about it. Dad was always hard to reach by phone. He didn’t like it to be on ring but couldn’t hear it or feel it when it vibrated. I figured I’d tell mom about the dream and then have her pass the phone to dad. Then it hit me…
Sometimes it feels a little like waking up in a hotel room in the middle of the night. You reach to turn on the lamp and can’t find it. Something’s strange. Things are out of place. The bed doesn’t feel quite right and the lighting is different than normal. Then it hits you. You’re not at home. Relief sets in and washes the fear away.
Dad’s always been around. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to bury him at 28 years old. I was supposed to be 50 or 60 when he died. My new reality is a lot like that moment in the hotel room in the middle of the night. Things aren’t right. They aren’t how they’re supposed to be. I wanna be at home and in my own bed. I want my daddy back.
I want him to be there for my mom so she doesn’t have to be lonely. I want someone to call when I don’t understand why my boyfriend’s being a turd. I want someone to make me laugh like he did and look at me with the same twinkle he always had in his eyes when he looked at me.
Life is hard.